things i want for autumn:
-pea coat
-talcum powder
-rice milk soap
-new guillaume dustan book
-a striped sweater
-dutch oven
-chanel lip liner
-chanel cheek baumé
-montana panton wire extended shelf
-a framed photo of my cats
-date milkshake
-birthday dinner at the chateau
-very simple conversations  

 

bonnie parker white turtle neck, black shorts, beret, blonde wig, 20s makeup, gun
dorothy
https://legavenue.com/collections/halloween-costumes/products/86988-gingham-dress-lace-skirt
snow white
lydia beetlejuice
margot tenanbaum
marla singer
joan
boo from monsters inc (for work)
betty boop
leon the professjonal ❤️❤️❤️
sailor
nurse
french maid
mime ❤️❤️❤️ stripe, red choker, beret, suspenders
oktoberfest
betty the flinstones
bob dylanhalloween costumesbonnie parker white turtle neck, black shorts, beret, blonde wig, 20s makeup, gun
dorothy
https://legavenue.com/collections/halloween-costumes/products/86988-gingham-dress-lace-skirt
snow white
lydia beetlejuice
margot tenanbaum
marla singer
joan
betty boop
leon the professjonal
sailor
nurse
french maid
mime  stripe, red choker, beret, suspenders
oktoberfest
betty the flinstones
bob dylan        

10/1 it’s rosh Hashanah tomorrow

I tried to make my room look as much like a hospital as possible. I went to the home depot at my local outdoor mall when they opened at 5am and put this pail of behr primer on the counter and a white trash meth tweaker rang me up. It ws really no big deal he had to be up for work this early; he never went to bed. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and I showed something. I lifted up my nightgown and showed him my underwear Ive had since 6th grade. They were from old navy and they had the word “tuesday” right over my vagina. He saw my upper thighs, how they were straight down instead of curved out. He saw my ilium, ischium, and pubis sticking out, inching the home depot lettering that said “ 60% off of gardening materials NOW TILL DECEMBER”.  He started to drool. I was pretty fat compared to his girlfriend who was on meth and sometimes caffine pills when things dried up.     dinner and a show I Had seen Claire gnaw on monobloc polypropylene chairs like they were bones filled with marrow ready to be sucked.  I had seen her suck on the polymer, the heat from her cheeks making the thermoplastic melting into a viscous liquid. She opened her mouth (a wooden stick holding her tongue down) to show the liquid making lace of saliva and polymer. The lace had no pattern as she didn’t care to think of one. She played with the polymer film and moved her tongue around as if to say “Look at how bad i am being” It was thawing on her filiform mixed with silt from cereal crop; millet. She ate millet four days ago, she spilt much of it onto her hoodie from the GAP. (CHILDREN SECTION, SIZE MEDIUM, ALTERED AT THE WRISTS WITH A SMALL BRAIDED ELASTIC TO FIT HER LENGTH)  Claire’s stomach acid ranked at a level thirteen which meant she was more clever than the methyl grouping in the monobloc chair’s arm so she could melt it and feel it warm against her buccal mucosa. As she became more desolate in the south, She broke it off, she chewed, only stopping to spit out the unmeltable parts. Her eyes widened, like a dog who learned how to open the fridge.  Once she had tasted enough to hit paint and decipher the polymers MFI (melt flow index)  she spit the entirety out. She spit it out onto my mothers kitchen tile, a pool flooded with ethylene and saliva bubbles that made popping noises like rice krispies with two percent milk. She hunched as if to level with the new toy,and gently slid an ice tray over it. The popping noise ceased, and I heard gushing between her lithe fingers. It hardened against her, a sensation she had known once which resulted in a child with a full head of black hair, as if she had given her own hair off her head to the child. The child grew. She fed him in a teflon high chair, she fed him sour ropes, taffy, large glasses of milk and millet which he spit up from time to time. She enjoyed the child’s face as he opened toys from fast food places, she felt tethered to him from the rear view mirror as she saw him chew lick and suck on the cut rate army men toy made of Acrylonitrile butadiene styrene. Her pool had become moldable and with shaky hands she moved as if throwing clay. She molded it into the shape of a small pastry, a german or french one was not as clear, only that she had a base of a carb , a blanket of some sort of frosting dotted with what seemed to be raspberries but this was hard to tell because everything was white. Dollops of her saliva fell onto the berries, creating a sheen. Claire put it into the freezer. Claire salivated for days, and started to smell strange. Her skin turned yellow and her heart beated to the tempo of Superstar by the Carpenters. She fell asleep next to me on her extra monobloc chair in front of the tv. I sat in a throne, a rocking chair. I asked her if it hurt, her spine against the polymer and all she said was that her millet was done. The pastry stayed in the icebox, Id drag a step stool made of wood accented with  Polytetrafluoroethylene
bearings and i’d look at it from time to time, it had small bites taken out of it. One corner looked as if it was cut with a fork and knife.

Claire’s coffin was made by a distributor in Shenzhen, Item # FU91693, it was collapsible 5ft long when assembled and made of fabric and held together by wire framing. The man who hardened against claire and gave her one child did not have money for a real coffin, so opted to order a coffin used for front lawn halloween decorations. Initially he searched for a toy coffin made of polypropylene but the price of Item # FU91693 was more attractive. Everyone also figured because she weighed so little the fabric would not rip, only sag. Which was right. Her child with its  black full head of hair sat on his fathers lap, my mother, brother, grandfather and i sat in the third row. My grandfather watched his sister sag near the grass, and even through the fabric you could see Claire's sacrum bones taunting crustacean bugs who were looking for something to nestle on or under. The fabric was slightly sheer and you could tell what Claire was wearing.  A pinafore dress(THE CHILDRENS GAP, SIZE LARGE, ADJUSTABLE STRAPS WITH POLYEPOXIDE BUTTONS AND A COIL NYLON ZIPPER) no one acknowledged this. I believed for a second that I could see her left ring finer, but it was just a taraxcum flower that grew to be plump and yellow, it was not her yellow hand that threw the polymer delicacies. They buried her, the boys who dropped out of the high school nearby and needed quick money. They did not struggle to hoist her down. For a second, I believe she may have unzipped #  FU91693 and spit out more polymer or thrown up bile or asked for a real hamburger, a real one. But she did not. They threw dirt over her face, I imagined her opening her mouth to catch the soil, finally eating, digesting, pleading, reckoning, replevying. My grandfather gritted his teeth as one of the boys burrying his sister hit her foot with a ULINE shovel which had a 14x17” blade. We all shifted towards the front of our seats when we heard the  ULINE shovel which had a 14x17” blade hit her tendon which had metallised. Sifting through heavy breaths and guilt we made our way to the reception room at the church. I looked at the ceiling and thought if I looked hard enough my eyes could break the ceiling and see her in heaven at a Mcdonald's, one which had a polyvinyl chloride jungle gym i could feel my bare feet suction on and off of . Asbestos ceiled church tops did not reveal this to me, but instead snowed slightly landing on my hair, and I ate it. It melted onto my tongue like LSD or a listerine strip with microcrystalline cellulose and maltodextrin making a film of satisfaction on the apex of my tongue for being like Claire and eating but not really. I was young, they showed a photo of her at the front of the church recreation room meant for baptism or first communion parties. I ate salty tears and more of the gifted toiled chains of agnesium, iron, calcium, aluminum, and sodium that the generous popcorn ceiling offered me to  not think about her sagging body. I chewed on a Polyethylene terephthalate cup filled with grape juice. When this did not satisfy me i ran a S-7305 5 ¾” uline spoon
against my baby teeth hearing as it ricocheted against my lateral incisors. I stomped my feet against the olefin carpeted floor, and my 196983114503 093-01-9923Polyurethane 84% Recycled PET (Polyethylene
Terephthalate) and 16% Polyester , 57% Polyester and 43% TPR (Thermoplastic Rubber) , Imported ballet flats with low-resilience polyurethane foam memory foam insoles made noises to alert my mother I was of ill nature. I rubbed my lipids, proteins, electrolytes, enzymes and metabolites on her #518080
GAP Polyester 63%, Rayon 33%, Spandex 4%Machine washed, Imported,
24 ¾, 31 ¼, 30 ¾, shift silhouetteSoft woven mini dress, Crewneck, .Sleeveless dress with a pocket at the hips. She hands me a Petrochemical, Isopropyl palmitate, Dimethicone, Tocopheryl Acetate, Cocoa Nucifera Oil, and Aloe Vera Extract. tissue  and I release my colloids of inorganic salts,lysozymes, immunoglobins, glycoproteins, and lactoferrins.She raises me to her lap, we are close to each others face, i can smell monoterpenoid organic compounds  with  chemical formula C10H20O which Geranyl diphosphate synthase (GPPS) first catalyzes the reaction of IPP and DMAPP into geranyl diphosphate (−)-limonene synthase (LS) catalyzes the cyclization of geranyl diphosphate to (−)-limonene (−)-Limonene-3-hydroxylase (L3OH), using O2and then nicotinamide adenine dinucleotide phosphate (NADPH) catalyzes the allylic hydroxylation of (−)-limonene at the 3 position to (−)-trans-isopiperitenol.(−)-trans-Isopiperitenol dehydrogenase (iPD) further oxidizes the hydroxyl group on the 3 position using NAD+ tomake(−)-isopiperitenone.(−)-Isopiperitenone reductase (iPR) then reduces the double bond between carbons 1 and 2 using NADPH to form (+)-cis-isopulegone(+)-cis-Isopulegone isomerase (iPI) then isomerizes the remaining double bond to form (+)-pulegone.(+)-Pulegone reductase (PR) reduces this double bond using NADPH to form (−)-menthone.(−)-Menthone reductase (MR) then reduces the carbonyl group using NADPH to form (−)-menthol.[13] which makes her breath smell good but not real. We rock back and forth and back and forth on the
31.75'' H X 21'' W X 22.5'' D 17'' H 25'' H 6.9 lb.



PolypropylenePolipropene 25 [USAN]; Propene polymers;Poly(1-methylethylene) of PP is between 0.895 and 0.93 g/cm3. ultra-high-molecular-weight polyethylenewith prime synthetic resin with ultra-violet inhibitors Impervious to salt air and most common stains.which is Fade Resistant; Rust Resistant; UV Resistant; Weather Resistant; Stain Resistant,
D638
D790
D256
D648
D570



and can hold up to 300 pounds and rock back and fourth and back and forth and back and forth my mom whispers things to me but i can smell the monoterpenoid organic compounds  with  chemical formula C10H20O which Geranyl diphosphate synthase (GPPS) first catalyzes the reaction of IPP and DMAPP into geranyl diphosphate (−)-limonene synthase (LS) catalyzes the cyclization of geranyl diphosphate to (−)-limonene (−)-Limonene-3-hydroxylase (L3OH), using O2and then nicotinamide adenine dinucleotide phosphate (NADPH) catalyzes the allylic hydroxylation of (−)-limonene at the 3 position to (−)-trans-isopiperitenol.(−)-trans-Isopiperitenol dehydrogenase (iPD) further oxidizes the hydroxyl group on the 3 position using NAD+ tomake(−)-isopiperitenone.(−)-Isopiperitenone reductase (iPR) then reduces the double bond between carbons 1 and 2 using NADPH to form (+)-cis-isopulegone(+)-cis-Isopulegone isomerase (iPI) then isomerizes the remaining double bond to form (+)-pulegone.(+)-Pulegone reductase (PR) reduces this double bond using NADPH to form (−)-menthone.(−)-Menthone reductase (MR) then reduces the carbonyl group using NADPH to form (−)-menthol.[ on her breath which makes her feel austere and not of a
of  place i once inhabited. I jerk my neck over and begin to chew on the 31.75'' H X 21'' W X 22.5'' D 17'' H 25'' H 6.9 lb.



PolypropylenePolipropene 25 [USAN]; Propene polymers;Poly(1-methylethylene) of PP is between 0.895 and 0.93 g/cm3. ultra-high-molecular-weight polyethylenewith prime synthetic resin with ultra-violet inhibitors Impervious to salt air and most common stains.which is Fade Resistant; Rust Resistant; UV Resistant; Weather Resistant; Stain Resistant,
D638
D790
D256
D648
D570



it tastes good so i continued to chew on the 31.75'' H X 21'' W X 22.5'' D 17'' H 25'' H 6.9 lb.



PolypropylenePolipropene 25 [USAN]; Propene polymers;Poly(1-methylethylene) of PP is between 0.895 and 0.93 g/cm3. ultra-high-molecular-weight polyethylenewith prime synthetic resin with ultra-violet inhibitors Impervious to salt air and most common stains.which is Fade Resistant; Rust Resistant; UV Resistant; Weather Resistant; Stain Resistant,
D638
D790
D256
D648
D570



which felt good so i ate more of the 31.75'' H X 21'' W X 22.5'' D 17'' H 25'' H 6.9 lb.



PolypropylenePolipropene 25 [USAN]; Propene polymers;Poly(1-methylethylene) of PP is between 0.895 and 0.93 g/cm3. ultra-high-molecular-weight polyethylenewith prime synthetic resin with ultra-violet inhibitors Impervious to salt air and most common stains.which is Fade Resistant; Rust Resistant; UV Resistant; Weather Resistant; Stain Resistant,
D638
D790
D256
D648
D570





and washed it down with Water, C10-12 alcohol ethoxylates, sodium secondary C13-18 alkyl sulfonate, fragrance, citric acid, colorant, xanthan gum and preservative
31.75'' H X 21'' W X 22.5'' D 17'' H 25'' H 6.9 lb.



PolypropylenePolipropene 25 [USAN]; Propene polymers;Poly(1-methylethylene) of PP is between 0.895 and 0.93 g/cm3. ultra-high-molecular-weight polyethylenewith prime synthetic resin with ultra-violet inhibitors Impervious to salt air and most common stains.which is Fade Resistant; Rust Resistant; UV Resistant; Weather Resistant; Stain Resistant,
D638
D790
D256
D648
D570


Water, C10-12 alcohol ethoxylates, sodium secondary C13-18 alkyl sulfonate, fragrance, citric acid, colorant, xanthan gum and preservative
31.75'' H X 21'' W X 22.5'' D 17'' H 25'' H 6.9 lb.

PolypropylenePolipropene 25 [USAN]; Propene polymers;Poly(1-methylethylene) of PP is between 0.895 and 0.93 g/cm3. ultra-high-molecular-weight polyethylenewith prime synthetic resin with ultra-violet inhibitors Impervious to salt air and most common stains.which is Fade Resistant; Rust Resistant; UV Resistant; Weather Resistant; Stain Resistant,
D638
D790
D256
D648
D570

(͎C͎2͎H͎4͎)͎n͎

(͓̽C͓̽2͓̽H͓̽4͓̽)͓̽n͓̽
(̷̪̤̘̻̠̫͇͐̐̔̃́̌̈̓͐̓̾̈́̓͂̃̎̆̓͆̒̀̀̈̿̉̈́͗̕̚͝C̴̢̨̧̺̹̙̼͓͚͎͖͍͔̰͖̭̜̰̞̲̞͍̯̮̩͙̣͌̈́͋̾̀̒̒͐́͋̈́̒͆̅̈́̋͘͘͝͝ͅͅͅ2̶̨̱̠͔̬̠͚͉̥̱̠̥̫̖͕͔͍̯̫̯̙̠͉̦͔̉̇́̆̅̀̓͂̊̏̇̑́̓̍̂̈́̆͝͝͝ͅḨ̵̨̻̬̠͈̦͇̫̮̟͔̫̣͖̙̫̟͇͉͐̎̉̀̇͊̿̓̿̓̃͊̓̍͐͗͊̚͜͜͝4̴̧̤͙̦͚͇̜̲̟̗͖͈̝̺͓̬̲͇̠̋̿͌̄͂̀͋͑̽̈́ͅ)̴̗̤̫̪̃̓̄͆̓̋́̄̅̓n̸̛͚͂̅͛͛̇́̏̉͗͒̒̅̇̉͠͝

(̴̘̮̫̞̩͕̘̖̝̦̭̠̙̰̾̌̐̀̊̈̔͜C̴̼̰̯̫̭͈̺͔̹͓̀̽͆̇̈́͐͘̕͜͜͠͠2̵̡̨̢̧̢̝̩̟̫̘̅̽͐̽͌̊̄̚H̴̛̙̦͔̳̟̫͎̪̬̪̋̆̀̌͗͝4̸̢̛̠̬̼̫̝̬̳͔̜͙̆̈̀͌̉̆͒̑͆͑̚)̷̛̠͌̈́̊̕n̵̨̤͖͗̓

I have no interest in my personal life. Or the people in it. Or the people that have been. Or the vegetables I have cut. Or the words that I have read.  Any extension of myself  or by proxy is completely gluttonous.  And therefore must be erradicated. Self (at all and at any)>gluttony>die a bad person or unremarkable one who cared about benign, trivial shit. That being said here is my ins and outs list for Autmn 2024 according to what I like or dislike/ think is cool/ think is lame: IN:-chanel lip/ cheek baume in shade camelia
-matching shades of lipstick with your friends
-wearing all black (this is perenial)
-tumblr (a bit stupid given i have this blog)
-capers on everything
-kissing in elevators
-knee high socks with midi skirts
-eco brutualism
-mules
-xiu xiu, depeche mode, new order, gesaffelstein, in utero, slint,  teen suicide,  blonde redhead, carissas wierd,  the crying nudes, la timpa, john glacier, daniel johnston, polly jean harvey,  death cab for cutie,  the durutti column, arthur russell, eels, brian jonestown massacre,  if i were a carpenter, babyfather, red house painters, rainer maria, sprain, lou reed, the VU
-making it onto madonna12.com
-being really drunk at a party and going to the bathroom to fix your lipstick and just looking at your face with niether a positive or negative affect to be noted
-i would like to have a reason to go to New York
-pleated attire
-simmer pots while baking
-french press black coffee
-angels dream tea
-clear umbrellas
-smoking cigarettes after the gym
-plain jewelry
-steel
-steel
-steel
-cold things against your skin
-hollywood
-animalique by byredo
-cotton underwear or silk underwear
-underwear that says the days of the week
-asceticism by day hedonism by night
-dolphin shorts, any sort of small short
-russian food
-having an avoidant personality
-being vague
-being disaffected
-fighting with trained medical professionals
-the fall is for going  to parties and wondering how you made it to work the next  day
-house shows/house parties
-kissing at house parties
-stealing from rich people who throw house parties
-wool
-panton wire boxes
-la pergoletta
-blairs
-crashing out
-my boyfriend telling people to shut the fuck up
-the car crash collective girls
-my anti aircraft air friend album and tour (https://myantiaircraftfriend.com/tour/)
-not having anything to say
-la timpa
-passport paperwork
-passport photo sexiness
-white girl wednesday
-lipstick stain on cigarettes
-collars
-my maintence man telling me I am Marilyn Monroe. You’re right.
-adderall
-margot  
-french class at a community college
-smoking instead of eating
-zoe walking to my house and I make her dinner
-dillon basically being a frat boy now
-dillon
-shopping with catherine
- playing makeup and dress up with cattherine
-jello
-jean paul sartre
-wearing a bra



OUT:
-sweetgreen
-texting back
-burner account centric schizophrenia
-explicitly long paragraphs that get sent to me on my phone
-therapy speak, hey you are not speaking english or any contemporary language
-being agreeable
-betting on horses
-getting groped at hellp dj sets by like 19 year old boys who are basically gay
-shoegaze im really tired
-sandy liang
-my twenty fourth birthday
-everyone always leaving to go on tour
-koreatown
-garish clothing
-garish language
-i need to sswear less
-going to your hometown
-dogs/puppies
-blonde people (why would you ever want to be blonde its like the least chic thing ever)
-safari on iphone or mac
-my milk ridden laptop
-being nice whenI really dont have to be
-shots at the doctor
-the doctor
-my problems
-silverlake flea
-thai angel,rest in peace
-not listening
-crop tops
-insanely baggy jeans
-road rage
-auto fiction
-reading just to read
-talking just to talk
-cooking just to eat
-women talking like  schizophrenics on tiktok
-vegan meat substitutes
-alimentto in silverlake, rest in peace
-cheese
-red wine
-you look like  something from a pintrest board in  a bad way
-people asking me questions